Of Sin and Sinners

Looks like the Christian leaders who filed an FIR against a raunchy comedy show recently never went to Catechism class in school (or bunked it!) .

Dear Holy leader, to refresh your memory – the principal rule of confession is that after the ‘sinner’ repents, he is blessed, forgiven and sent home with a list of prayers – not with an FIR! Duh!

Moral of the story: Never ever let your kids miss Catechism class in school.

Conversation on Tinder

He: What are you looking for?

Brigit: A job, world peace and Prince Charming… in that order

He: (disappears)

Brigit: Hello? Hello?  

(Sigh… today’s men!)

Sacrifice

Today I shall march into work to be served notice papers – Ouch. I feel like the fatted calf or is it goat being led to the slaughterhouse. And today is Bakrid or Eid – ironically.

Oh well, note to self: Wear the red shoes and the new Mac lipstick paired with the snazzy jacket. When a girl has got to go, she’ll go - in style!

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 Brigit: This whole toying with Abraham that you did; getting him to sacrifice his beloved son Isaac on Eid is really puzzling if you ask me.  Thankfully the goat appeared on time.

God: “My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are not your thoughts” as is written in Isaiah

Brigit: Well looks like the only goat that is going to save me on Bakrid will be in the Biryani I gorge on tonight to cheer me up…

God: Baaah!

Quandary

Ok so in addition to looking for a man, I now have to look for a new job. In all truthfulness, I must say I am very happy to get out of my brain dead moronic 9 – 9 day job. I just will miss the nice fat paycheck at the end of every month.

It’s rather like the relief you feel when getting out of a claustrophic relationship; you can finally breathe again. Phew!  Except that you miss having someone, even if he is a sorry sod, to be with every Friday night or the weekend.

Well, I’ve survived worse.  Shit hits the fan and life goes on.

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Brigit: Boo hoo! I want my mummy!

God: There, there child, chin up. I am with you.  Interesting how you never ask for your father…

Brigit: Ok, prioritize – send me the job first.  The Indian men are anyway lining up for that Mars Orbiter round trip.

God: Maybe your next job could be selling tickets for the ride?  Ha! :)

Brigit: Sigh….Divine inspiration…. With friends like you I don’t need the devil.

The Edge

That familiar deep, dark cloak of despair

Engulfs me, wraps me, keeps me safe

And slowly draws me closer to the edge

The other side of the cliff -

So comforting, no worries, no pain

The seductive emptiness of eternal sleep

So I gave in today and jumped off the cliff

My dark cloak floating behind me

To be caught by some angel and

Put on another lost soul.

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RIP Robin Williams

Motivation 101

“Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” – Steve Jobs

I’ve been going through a rather low spell in my life over the past few weeks. I felt like a failure and what aggravated it was a recent evening out with a former classmate who had achieved so much in life.  As the evening progressed, I felt even more terrible as I compared my life to his and I recall saying some things about myself and my current state that weren’t very complimentary at all. However, not once did he say anything negative about himself – although I do know he’s gone through a tough time personally.  Which got me thinking “If I don’t think and speak well about myself, why would anyone else”?  I heard the very same words echoed in this ted talk that I stumbled onto the very next day.

After watching the movie on Steve Jobs, the one thing that struck me was how much of a failure he would have been if he’d stuck it out in some big IT company – not because he was a failure but because he didn’t fit into a corporate culture which is all about managing your boss and ‘perceptions’.  Can you imagine – Steve Jobs would have been a low level frustrated employee who would never have got promoted because he didn’t get along well with people or toe the line.  Thankfully he didn’t buy into the feedback and believed in himself.

While that is very inspiring, the flip side is that Steve Jobs had the vision, the drive and the gumption to strike out and start something on his own.

Do you?
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Brigit: Let’s just say the spirit is willing, but the wallet is weak

God:  Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you.

Brigit: I’m seeking! I’m seeking! Kingdom where art thou? Do send thy Mercedes Benz to take me up the driveway.

What’s Up Butterfly?

I woke up at 5:30am today and the first thing I did was reach out for my phone – to check my WhatsApp messages, then email. Once upon a time, when I had the Blackberry, the first thing I’d do on opening my eyes was respond to the blinking red light by checking my official work email. I thought I’d beaten that habit and was congratulating myself on not being a workaholic that lifted the phone before lifting the toothbrush. However, I realize, like most addictions, I’ve just swapped one for another – I’m now a “Techaholic”.

Have you ever been on holiday in a lovely remote part of the world, surrounded by nature at its best and then reached out for your phone to click a snap to share with your buddies on Facebook, Instagram or WhatsApp? If so, join the bandwagon, you’re infected my friend!

A couple of years ago, on a visit to my home in the country side, I was sitting in the drive way furiously tapping away at my Blackberry,  when out of the blue, a little yellow butterfly landed on my phone screen. I sat transfixed as it fluttered its wings for a couple of seconds before flying away. Talk about a wakeup call! I put the phone down and watched the yellow butterfly gracefully flit through the tall green trees before disappearing into a blue sky that was dotted with fluffy white clouds.  It was a beautiful sunny day and I hadn't even noticed!

I remembered that moment today; it’s a beautiful Sunday morning, close to lunch time, and I’ve spent the last couple of hours on WhatsApp and Facebook. Don’t get me wrong – I think these apps are great means of communicating and staying in touch with people.  However, I wonder whether in today’s world we have a stronger relationship with our friends via our smart phones than in person. Looks like virtual trumps real world most of the time.

Last night, during one of those long meandering walks, I stumbled onto a neighborhood café that that I’ve seen whilst whizzing by in the car but never had the time or inclination to stop and check out. Maybe it was the rain, or the fact that of late, I’ve developed a fondness for little cafes which serve my favorite masala omelet and South Indian filter coffee, but I decided to visit the café. I walked in, settled down on the couch and promptly whipped out my smartphone.  In one of those sudden ‘aha’ moments, I consciously put the phone down and decided to just sit and observe.  I watched the young couple opposite having an animated conversation.  I noticed how familiar the waiter was – have I seen those dimpled cheeks elsewhere? I probably have but now with my fleeting attention span, I guess I won’t remember. I noticed the man with the beard who’d stared at me initially give me yet another intense look when he and his companion left the café. I wonder if we’d met before – he seemed familiar but I don’t remember.
                                                                                        
Old habits die hard though; the smart phone beckoned and I succumbed. I took a picture of the ‘quaint café’ and sent it to my friend via WhatsApp. Meanwhile, another friend was bored and had texted me on WhatsApp:  “What are you up to?” I invited him over and voila – looks like the rainy, cold evening was turning out to be a fun evening catching up with a friend after 20 long years.

He arrived and after the first bout of reminiscing on the ‘good’ old days, we decided to make our way to one of Bangalore’s popular watering holes.  We were chatting at the counter over a beer when I noticed him checking his phone – with me sitting right in front of him. Oops - ‘Another one bites the dust.’
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God: Be still and know that you are God

Brigit: Actually, it is “Be still and know that I am God”.

God: Same thing

Brigit: I suppose you’re referring to the Buddhist phrase:  “If you meet the Buddha on the road to enlightenment - kill him!” Right now I’m struggling to just BE still and not KNOW that my WhatsApp icon is blinking.  Do you mind?!

Social Psychology 101

“Many of us who teach and write psychology are driven not only by a love for giving psychology away but also by wanting to help students live better lives-wiser, more fulfilling, more compassionate lives. In this we are like teachers and writers in other fields. “Why do we write?” asks theologian Robert McAfee Brown. “I submit that beyond all rewards . . . we write because we want to change things. We write because we have this [conviction that we] can make a difference. The ‘difference’ may be a new perception of beauty, a new insight into self-understanding, a new experience of joy, or a decision to join the revolution” 

 Indeed, I write hoping to do my part to restrain intuition with critical thinking, refine judgmentalism with compassion, and replace illusion with understanding.”

 -       David G Myers, from his book on Social Psychology

 

Brigit: I’ve signed up on Coursera for their Social Psychology class and it’s the most fascinating subject ever! This is so cool – free online courses on just about anything.

The 11th commandment

11^th commandment: He who sits on a pin shall rise … on the 3^rd second.

12^th commandment: Thou shalt embrace thy inner bitch

God: I don’t think I like that

Brigit: Well you got to move with the times dude! 2000 years and we’re stuck on just 10 commandments – that’s hardly progress! Besides I’m really tired of being a nice, good girl.

God:  Impertinence – thy name is Brigit. If I were anything like the way people make me out to be I would have zapped you to hell by now.

Brigit: You’re nothing like the church makes you out to be. That’s precisely why I hang around with you.

Get the jerk off!

So apparently there is a scientific reason for why I keep on attracting jerks into my life. Nope, it has nothing to do with me being a jerk – thank heavens!  (That was my last hypothesis), but rather akin to Pavlov’s experiment - its’ all about stimuli and response. According to this study, some people find a jerk attractive simply because his little gestures of affection are so infrequent and thereby more ‘valuable’.

Reminds me of this line by Douglas Coupland in the book ‘Life after God’

 “Yet how often is it that we are rescued by a stranger, if ever at all? And how is it that our lives can become drained of the possibility of forgiveness and kindness - so drained that even one small act of mercy becomes a potent lifelong memory? How do our lives reach these points?”

Ouch! Looks like it’s time to be kind to myself

Brigit: I never could understand why you loved David so much – he was a philanderer and a murderer. Wasn’t he the one who got Bathsheba’s husband killed so he could seduce her? Talk about a jerk of the first order.

God: David loved me. David loved life

Brigit: David was a jerk or were you the jerk?!

God: Well, to be human is to be a jerk at times. I guess some people might call me a jerk too;  After all, aren’t I the alpha, the omega the ultimate be all and end all of everything.

Brigit: I don’t understand all this. I just don’t want any more jerks in my life.

God: What you resist persists. What you accept transforms.

Gender Bender

Mary Magdalene was the woman Jesus loved the most. So the woman who celebrates all aspects of her femininity including her physical body and beauty is ‘good’ too and loved by God. That is so liberating!

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Brigit: Now why the heck didn’t you tell me this before?!

God: I did – you just weren’t listening. Guess you have to grow up and be a woman first to hear all my words

Brigit: Yup, will the real Brigit Jones please stand up?  The full Mr. and Mrs. of Brigit Jones

God: About time! Amen.

Know thy awesomeness

I’ve been reading a couple of comments on my twitter timeline from 30 year olds who bemoan the big ‘three oh’. Well, looking back from the vantage point of years later, what would I tell my 30 year old self?

1.      1.       One day, when you’re in your 40”s you’ll look back and think the 30’s were the years you were in your prime – health wise, career wise. So enjoy this phase to the hilt!

2.       Reaching the 30’s does not mean the din of the ticking biological clock drowns out the voice inside. Marrying for the wrong reasons invariably means squandering some of your best years in misery.

3.       We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. It’s ok. You’re ok. So be kind to yourself.

4.       Dump the guy who treats you badly.  But figure out why you attracted this man in the first place lest you end up playing relationship roulette - “same jerk, different face”.

5.       Know thy awesomeness; you are much prettier and smarter than you think. Someone once told me: “you are so cool and don’t know it’.  I wish I’d known it then. 

6.       Experiment; this is the time you can go out on a limb workwise; if you had to do something different do it now. You have enough time to join the rat race again. My ‘experimental’ year while not being the best monetarily was the richest year of my life.

7.       Give love a chance – over and over again. Relationships are one of the ways we grow and understand ourselves better.  Life is good. God is good – if you believe so.

8.       Travel and see the world; do the treks and hikes that you can do so easily with youth. With the passing of years, the will and wallet is strong but the flesh is weak.  There is so much to see, do and experience in our country and in the world; don’t waste those years.

9.       You will look back with fondness on your photos one day and think, “Boy, did I look hot!” So no, you are not too fat.

10.   There is always time for coffee with the girls.  Your girlfriends are your stalwarts through life; through the ups and downs of men, mother in laws and the inevitable next “big oh”. 

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Brigit: I think I can write a book called the’ Ten commandments ’

God: Sorry – that’s under copyright. Moses would overturn in his grave at the thought

Brigit: I think we could do with an overhaul though; that was more than 2000 years ago; before the digital world

God: Ah, so human beings and relationships are going to be different in the ‘digital world’?

Brigit: Well, here I am talking to virtual people in a virtual world; surely the rules must be different.  “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife “will be “Thou shalt not friend thy neighbor’s wife on Facebook.”  “Thou shalt keep the Sabbath day holy” will be “Thou shalt not log onto the internet on Sunday”  and of course the 'small still' voice of the Lord shall be a quiet tweet..

God: Good grief! I have only 140 characters to speak to mankind now?!!!

Return of the Magi

After the long hiatus I now return. Evidently no one missed me. Hrmp! Looks like the internet is pretty much like real life.

Now that my priority has shifted from love and Prince Charming to getting to the bottom of what really makes people succeed in life, I’ve spent the past few days just listening to calls hosted by various speakers on sites like Awakening to Abundance and Your Life without Limits.

All these calls talk about the ‘inner’ energy and how your mind affects your outer reality etc. - The Secret 101 if you ask me.  After listening to these calls all day, it is so good to just let go, shut off the computer, sit quietly and just MEDITATE. Yes, that’s it – do nothing. No listening, no visualization, no chanting; absolutely nothing  – what a relief! The ancient Himalayan masters have been doing this from time immemorial; time to get back to my roots I say.

So I’m going to shut down now. Sit quietly and meditate. Shhh….
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God: Hello!

Brigit: Shhh… I can’t talk – can’t you see I’m trying to meditate.

God: No one has time for me anymore in today’s world with the internet and technology and what not; I’d have better luck if I was an app.

Brigit: Shhh - I’m trying to listen to the ‘still small voice’ inside of me which according to the bible is GOD speaking. 

God: Hrmp! Narcissism – thy name is Brigit

Brigit: Hey!  I heard that ok?!

God: Ah… the ‘still small voice’ I presume?

Virtually Yours

Move over S, the new man in my life is Mr. T aka Mr. Twitter. I’ve spent all of the past few days since I’ve signed up, doing nothing but reading up stuff on my Twitter timeline besides learning the protocol of Twitterdom. Yup, RT is retweet… why is there no ‘Twitter for dummies’ note out there?

Mr. S’s main fear when he met me was that I’d find him boring.  Well, talk about a self –fulfilling prophecy; Mr. S is not a patch on Mr. T who has something new to say every second. In fact it’s almost overwhelming; I’ll be reading an article and half way through, there are 20 new tweets demanding my attention. Abha Dawesar in this fascinating TED talk on living in the ‘digital’ world distinguishes between the ‘digital’ now and the ‘now’ in the real world. She likens love to ‘attention’ and being totally present to another in ‘real time’.

One can 'follow' on Twitter and friend / unfriend on Facebook on a whim with just the click of a button.  I love that feature, I just wish I could do that as easily in the real world - “You dork – I zap you to the ends of cyberspace, away from my timeline; may your feeds burn in hell”

According to ‘Uberfacts’ on Twitter, 5 people were killed because they unfriended someone on Facebook! I can quite understand that – given my obsession and grief over being ‘unfriended’ recently on Facebook by someone I liked.  For me, it was a very real experience and a very real relationship.  There is, in fact, a whole new breed of consultants and experts on dating and online relationships. Dr. Sheri Myers in her book ‘Chatting or Cheating’ talks of how cyber affairs are increasingly becoming common and offers tips on how to ‘cyber-affair’ proof your relationship.  So how real or unreal are relationships that are virtual?   

Joaquin Phoenix’s love affair with a computer in the  movie ‘HER’ was certainly real to him.  We have cyber affairs and cyber breakups; the only thing that is missing is cyber kids which incidentally are not too far off. The Japanese have developed the ‘Tamagotchi’ which is an egg shaped toy that needs to be fed, nurtured and taken care off else it will ‘die’ like a child.  

Well Desi Brigit Jones is not having any kids; I’m going to have some ‘Tamagotchi’ and will name them after my various online beaus. Being a good catholic, I shall also ensure that they’re baptized; oops – this brings on another conundrum – my Tamagotchi are all illegitimate in the eyes of the church!

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Brigit: I’ve spent all day with Mr. T. It’s now past 10pm on a Friday night and I’m talking to you.  I feel like I’m living a virtual life in more ways than one.

God: Well, aren’t I an interesting bloke to talk to? Better than Mr. T I bet!  

Brigit: Kind of – at least you’re listening to me. In fact I think you’re the best of the lot. I say we get into a relationship.

God: We are already in a relationship. You just don’t know whether I'm real or not.

The Awakening

Apparently a “sapiosexual is someone who is strongly attracted to the intelligence of another.”

But opposites attract, right?

With my track record, given all the dorks I’ve dated, this must mean……. I’m Einstein! Ha!

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Brigit: This is the best thing I’ve heard all week. I’m the incarnation of Einstein! Thank you Lord

God: You’re welcome! Have a glass of wine to toast all those grey cells… 

Sociology and the Feminine energy

Desi Brigit Jones needs to get in touch with her ‘feminine’ side – not just to succeed in her love life but in her professional life too.   Whilst working in a predominantly male office, stating that you have more ‘balls’ than all the men in the office combined is not just anatomically incorrect, it is politically incorrect. So I decided the best way to get in touch with my feminine energy would be to enroll in dance and what better form than Indian dance.  After my last tryst with the martial arts which I’d written about here, I thought I’d explore some female dance forms.

It is interesting to note that two of the popular art forms in India – Mohiniyattam, the dance of the seductress and Kalaripayattu  -  the martial arts, both come from Kerala. This means the average Mallu man (Kerala man) is either getting his ass kicked or being seduced. Given that the Mallu women folk who can kick his ass are in the Gulf working as nurses, we now know what the men folk in Kerala are up to.  No wonder it’s called ‘God’s own country’.  Ha!

All the dating gurus on the net have all talked about the ‘feminine – masculine’ polarity that is so essential to any successful courtship or marriage.  In fact, Dan Brown‘s popular best seller, ‘The Da Vinci Code’ centers around finding the feminine key.  Hmm – so evidently, the only thing stopping me from being a best-selling author as well as a successful dater is my Yin – Yang imbalance.   

During my love trawl on the net, I stumbled onto Suzanne and Satyen Raja, a ‘love coaching’ couple, who talk about getting in touch with the whole male – female dynamic.  Their tag line is “Ignite Passion now; everything else can wait”. Nice branding!  I liked their videos, which emphasize the ‘inner’ state of being’ versus technique when connecting with a loved one.  In fact, these are mandatory viewing for the average Indian male who treats the female body like a radio station – flip, turn knob 1, dial, switch, tweak knob 2… Ouch!   That’s when my masculine energy breaks forth and I sock him in the jaw. 

Hmm, yes indeed, I do need to perfect my technique - Desi Brigit Jones needs to learn to sock the guy without damaging her nails!

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God: I’m not so sure I like all those digs against Kerala men, after all Christianity came to India via Kerala.

Brigit:  I hate to disappoint you Lord, but the Mallu men who ran in joy towards St. Thomas when he landed his boat on the shores of Kerala, weren’t welcoming him, but were eyeing the caskets of wine on board.

God: You don’t say!

Brigit: Do you think it’s a coincidence that the states in India most known for their love of liquor, Kerala and Goa have a strong catholic presence?  I assure you, the spirit in those men has nothing to do with the Holy Spirit!

Quote for the week

Received this in my inbox today:

“Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22

Tina Turner is 75, her boyfriend is 40

JLo is 42, her boyfriend is 26

Mariah Carey is 44, her boyfriend is 32

Still single?  Relax; your boyfriend is not born yet!”

 Brigit: Thank you for the words of inspiration. Just make sure he goes to Montessori as well; I really need a guy who can read

God: Will do so! I’ll make sure he’s also able to help you add a Twitter URL to your blog.

The Lord’s Prayer according to the Twitterati

Our Father, 

Twitter be thy name

Thy tweetdom come,

Thy will be done

In heaven as on earth

Forgive me my tweets

As I forgive those who don’t retweet me

Amen.

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God: Now this is what I call a really big poor joke

Brigit: Sorry, I shall rinse my mouth (or is it beak?) with holy water

God: Thou shalt not use the Lords water in vain.

Tweet, Tweet, here I come!

So I’ve finally managed to get over my technophobia and join the bandwagon of social media. Twitter it is I say!

When I was growing up, a ‘Twit’ was another word for an idiot – well I’m realizing that in today’s world if Desi Brigit Jones is not on social media, she indeed is a Twit.  So here’s to pouring another glass of wine for my first foray into Twitterdom.

What got me interested in Twitter today was the shocking tragic death of Sunanda Pushkar, wife of Indian minister Shashi Tharoor and the preceding fiasco that place on Twitter.  Can an online affair become more enticing than an offline marriage?

I’m curious, how ‘real’ are our lives now anyway. What is more real – my online persona or the regular boring mundane life I lead. I guess that’s what makes social media so fascinating; there’s a whole enticing world out there that just draws one out of one’s cubbyhole in real life.  In online relationships, you don’t know the ‘real’ person, just their delicious online avatar.  And truth be told, Desi Brigit Jones would rather fantasize being with an online ‘George Clooney’ than with a partner whom you see in the morning in pajamas and with gunk on their eyes.  However, while the online ‘distance’ kind of keeps the mystery going, a real relationship can only be built offline. Sigh…Bye, bye George Clooney!

Also, in the biblical sense of the word, one cannot ‘know’ a person virtually (at least not yet… God knows what will happen in the future with technology and 3D!).

Jonathan Ashley is a dating coach who propounds social media like Facebook, as the latest dating tool. Move over eharmony.com and match.com; Facebook it is.  In fact, Jonathan met his partner, relationship expert Dr. Shery Myers on facebook and they’re now living happily ever after – offline.  

Jonathan offers a series of tips on how to “Understand Men Now” which I have signed up for and that I read each day as part of my morning prayers. I have so far received 50 such emails and am still not able to fathom the not so fairer of the species. Guess I am a twit after all.

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Brigit: You know - I’m through with trying to understand men. I want a man who will understand ME – the temperamental behavior, the moodiness and the eccentricity which I believe is a sign of genius’ – never mind that no one else sees it that way. Surely that’s not impossible?

God: Hmmm…

Brigit: What?! That’s all you have to say! So it’s true – you are a man after all. 

Running for the hills

Further to my last post on matchmatrix.com - The problem with online tools that match you up with a person based on your birthdate is that it’s just that – a set of numbers that is indicative but not necessarily the gospel truth.  My latest online beau, S and I have the highest compatibility (94%) as both lovers and friends according to matchmatrix.com. Yet after 4-5 months of general chatting on the phone and 1 month since our in person meeting (he lives in another city), I’m just about ready to run for the hills. 

Nowhere does such a tool capture how emotionally healed a person is from his last divorce. Is he ready to get into another relationship at all?  Given that Desi Brigit Jones is forever wearing her ‘mommy’ hat, this time round, I've decided to be prudent and step back. Nope, S had better find someone else’s bosom to cuddle into; no more 'care taking' from this lady.  It is about time I burnt that ‘Mommy hat’; we’re all hurting kids trying to find someone to take care of us and I seem to specialize in being ‘Mommy’ to hurt little boys.

It's ironic; I've finally met someone who dotes on me and wants to get married and who calls me up every single day to say “I love you” to which the ever polite Desi Brigit Jones responds with ‘Thank you!’, (After all it is a sin to lie and say “I love you too” when one doesn’t isn’t it?) and yet I find myself thinking I need to get away from this man..

Sigh, maybe this is the year I really do sign up for the “Calling in the One” course being offered by Katherine Woodward Thomas  given that all the ‘ones’ I've called in last year turned out to be toads in in disguise. No matter how much I kissed them, they still remained  toads… sigh…..

It’s about time I met my prince. May 2014 be the year I kiss my last toad ( unless he's really cute :). 

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Brigit: What is it with younger men anyway? They assume chronological age is directly proportional to experience in all facets of life. It’s so hilarious that the last young stud viewed me, staid catholic Desi Brigit Jones as Madame Kamasutra and a likely teacher in the art of lovemaking!   

God: And I thought you liked divine humor

Brigit: Hrmmp! Not when it’s at my expense!

The One

I saw this on FB the other day:

"I’ve been single for a while and
I have to say it’s going very well
Like…it’s working out..
I think I’m the one...."  :)  

The energetics of dating

It appears that Desi Brigit Jones’ prayer in the last post was answered.  The latest man in my life, S is a charming 45 year old who actually has hair on his head!  We’re good friends and I like him a lot – but I just don’t have the ‘hibbee – jibees’ as my friend describes it. While there is a mild fluttering of butterfly wings, I’m not consumed by the whirlwind tornado that I’d always thought was the hallmark of amazing chemistry.

But there is hope yet! Larry Michel on his site ‘matchmatrix.com’ talks about the ‘energetics’ of relationships and how we have our own ‘unique’ energetic mapping that is like our DNA. This influences our compatibility  with people as friends or lovers. The site looks at 4 different areas: communication style (for friends), sexual response type (for lovers), activity levels and financial logic style and come up with an individual’s energetic map based the ‘birth date’.  The tool uses the birth dates of both you and your partner to throw up your compatibility levels as ‘friends’ and as ‘lovers’. Naturally the higher you score on both aspects, the more compatible you are as partners.

Well, I’ve scored a whopping 94% with S as both friends and lovers.  And yet this is a chap I’m not wildly attracted to at all. Yes, he’s nice but that’s about it. So Match matrix then talks about ‘true’ and ‘false’ attractions; i.e. can you follow you heart or not when choosing a partner? People with ‘false’ attractions tend to be attracted to people with whom they may not be compatible with at all ( This seems to ring a very loud bell as far as I’m concerned) and the site advises one with ‘false’ attractions to persevere and not get taken in by their lukewarm response but to trust the match matrix rating.  The site allows one to check out for free compatibility levels with up to 3 people.  

So I shall ignore my ‘false attractions’ and listen to Larry Michel and give S a chance. If nothing else, it is a welcome change to have someone who dotes on you – after the last experience of the young stud who made it very evident that I was not important in his overall scheme of things. Ouch… that still hurts for some reason…. Letting go is so much easier said than done.

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Brigit: I still miss the last young man; it hurts that he makes it so clear that he doesn't give a damn about me.

God: Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.  So make a choice.

Brigit: That’s easier said than done.

God: By clinging to people who are not meant to be in your life, you delay your destiny. Let them go.

Brigit: Ok – I let him go. May he burn in hell!

God: Not quite the response I’d hoped for but I guess you’ll get there in your own time J

Last Resolutions

I shall not pine over V now that I have deleted him forever from my inbox. I shall not fall in love and make babies in my head with the latest beau, R who has just appeared in my inbox.

Sigh… Resolutions, resolutions – and it’s not even New Years’ yet.  My last resolution for the year is this:  – I’m tired so no more searching, no more whining over the non-existent Prince charming.  It is winter and so it’s time to hibernate and rejuvenate and look afresh at life. Thanksgiving has just got over; I give thanks for all the wonderful men and women in my life who give me so much love.  I also give thanks for the winter that is keeping some frog safe to turn into my prince next spring.  Amen!

As Kermit the frog would say a la Sesame Street: “Hrrriiiipppit!”

Brigit: Do you know - That fortune teller at the Chinese temple I visited told me I’d drawn a very bad card in love and that I wouldn’t meet ‘the one’ this year

God: Well, if it’s any consolation – the year is almost over!

Brigit: Yeah – well I hope you do a better job next year than you did this year – no more randy 35 year olds and no more balding 55 year olds. Send me a 45 year old who is mature yet fun and who has hair on his head!

God: Let’s see; with Bangalore’s water content, the ‘hair’ on the head part might be the toughest. Even your hair is falling!

Brigit: Ok, given a choice between hair on his head or on mine, give it to me Lord! I’m totally ok with the baldie!

Age is just a number

The next time I hear this statement from anyone, I shall poke their eyes out. Age is not just a number! If it were – I still would have the luscious hair I had at 24 and I wouldn’t have to worry about long sight glasses. Sigh – picture this; you’re on a date in one of Bangalore’s hot and happening pubs and can’t read the menu because you forgot your glasses! Now that means either I wear my long sight glasses around my neck  – like a grandma or I wear my soda glass prescription classes that make me look like a strict straitlaced catholic school teacher.    Three years ago, this would not have even been a topic for discussion!  Oh and ten years ago, I wouldn’t have needed L’Oreal to tell me “I’m worth it”; now I know the best hair color products not to mention the best hair color combinations ( try burgundy over a dark brown!).

Of course, my friends mean well when they say ‘Age is just a number’ – they want me to be open to more possibilities in my not so happening love life. The fact that this statement was last said to me by a date who is 15 years my senior obviously was in this context. Yes, he is youthful looking, articulate and intelligent to boot – but when I saw him walk into the pub last night in his striped blue shirt and black rimmed spectacles, I remember thinking to myself; ‘I don’t want to date my dad,’ which is who he reminded me of.  Can you fault me for that?

The other extreme is of course the young stud who is 10 years my junior who does the hot and cold routine – like a bathroom tap, today warm and friendly, tomorrow cold and distant. If this was in reference to a sauna, it would have been fun; nothing like the invigorating tingle of a cold shower after the steamy warmth of a hot sauna. Nope, when it is some young stud toying with you, you wish indeed that, ‘age was just a number’ – so that you could spank his bottom black and blue for his juvenile behavior.

Where are the nice men who are 2 – 3 years older than me? Evidently painting the town red with some 23 year old – Hrmmp!  Yeah right - If age is just a number, then Desi Brigit Jones is 2 going on 3… Time for a toddler tantrum - Waaaah!!

Canonization

So who do you go out with - the young rookie who’s emailing you or the suave senior citizen who’s calling you?

The answer to that question is - both! According to the experts, one must ‘duty date’ using the whole dating process as an experience for inner growth. Well Desi Brigit Jones knows she definitely needs practice in the area of dating  – so that she learns to say ‘No’ and not continue to date men just because she feels sorry for them or because she doesn’t want to be rude. Yes, that seems to be the bane of my dating life - ‘not wanting to be ‘rude’. This apparently is not a sign of good manners or being brought up well in a God fearing catholic home but rather a symptom of a psychological disorder known as ‘people –pleasing’.  Sigh – I don’t think I like all the psychology stuff I’m reading up; I seem to be coming up with more and more disorders by the day!

Yes, the good Lord said you should love others as you love yourself. The key thing here is to ‘love you’ – something most people don’t have a clue about. This means, nope I will NOT keep on going out with the dork because he reminds me of a sad puppy or with the lonely old man because I think no one else will have tea with him.

Even my four year old god daughter does a better job of saying ‘No’ than my forty something year old self.  Sigh… Oh to be a child again….

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 Brigit: You know I always wanted to be a saint as a little girl

God: I know – you kept saying the rosary and refused to go out to play even when I sent so many little kids to call you out.

Brigit: Yeah – well I think I know why – If there is ever going to be a patron saint for Disastrous daters it will be me – Saint Desi Brigit Jones.

God: Well, it does have a nice sound to it!

Brigit: After St. Alphonsa and Mother Teresa, I think it’s about time we had another Indian saint, don’t you think?

God: Absolutely!

Thought for the weekend

"A woman’s highest calling is to lead a man to his soul, so as to unite him with the source; her lowest calling is to seduce, separating man from his soul and leave him aimlessly wandering.
A man’s highest calling is to protect woman, so she is free to walk the earth unharmed. Man’s lowest calling is to ambush and force his way into the life of a woman."

—Native American Cherokee Proverb.

Cupid’s helpers on the net

So I’m the guru of self-help on the net. If there is any seminar on love, dating, relationships on the internet, you can bet all their respective mailers are in my inbox. Most of these seminars are pretty good and I’ve always been impressed with the caliber of the speakers. Usually the seminar comprises interviews with 20 – 25 speakers of an hour each spread over the course of a month. All of them are free and you get to listen to the talks afterwards for 24 hours with the option of buying them should you want your own copy.

I’ve highlighted before the Love on Purpose Revolution and now the latest summit that is doing the rounds and is definitely worth attending is the ‘Dating with Dignity’ summit hosted by Marni Battista.  All these summits focus on you taking action and not waiting for Prince Charming to drop down from the sky.

I like the whole theme of most of these talks – about valuing yourself first and getting your own life together. This brings to mind another interesting email I received on an event, “Marry yourself” based on the premise that the most important relationship you can have is the one with yourself.

Desi Brigit Jones is currently a little overdosed on self-help on love and so has now shifted to creating abundance. I figured, since all the talks and seminar are not manifesting Prince Charming in my life, I might as well try to manifest some wealth and have some fun - without Prince Charming!

However, I shall share all the details of the ‘love’ resources I come across on this blog – good karma they say has to come around someday.

Brigit: Knock Knock!

God: Who’s there?

Brigit: Mr. & Mrs Brigit

God: Brigit who?

Brigit: The Brigit who got married to herself!  I got tired of waiting for you to send my soul mate and since you’re so busy keeping world peace what with recent events in Syria and Egypt, I figured I have no option now but to marry myself. 
So instead of the soul mate, can you now please send me a million dollars – for the honeymoon with myself! :)

Happy Birthday Gandhi!

Today is the birthday of the dhoti clad man from India who gave new meaning to the ‘non – violent’ movement and showed the world what a single man with conviction and passion could do.

What I liked best when reading about Gandhi is that he didn’t have it all together; he struggled with his own insecurities and frailties but still set forth despite them - and led a nation to freedom.

What an inspiration!

Dating Profiles

“I am genuine and simple down to earth guy with a welcoming sense of humor. I have a very eclectic taste in music and movies and always interested in trying something new. I enjoy meeting open minded people who enjoy exploring new places and trying new things. Anyone who is easy-going, sociable, and loves to laugh will get along great with me.”

We Indians love to copy and do so with pride. I’m just appalled at how many men do this even when writing their online profile on dating websites.  I’ve read some variation of the above profile written by at least 15 guys now! Duh!! 

Well, given that the average Indian man on this dating website can’t spell or write well, I’m not surprised they’re doing a ‘copy – paste’ – and the above profile seems to be the ‘master profile’.  I guess the draw is the impressive word ‘eclectic’.

Well, with online dating becoming the ‘in thing’, there are professionals who can help you write a smart online profile ( that btw will be my new business venture ) and one of the ‘gurus’ online is Adam Gilad. He caters to both women and men unlike most of the online resources that I’ve stumbled onto who largely cater to women. Why is that? I suspect it has to do with this apparent evolutionary premise that women are the ones who entice and men are the ‘hunters’. Though why anyone would want to entice someone with bad grammar is beyond me!

Women are also advised to post an attractive picture (smiling and wearing red) as men are largely visual creatures. The last email I got was from a rather charming man who could actually spell (Halleluiah!) asking me to send him my picture.  I didn’t send him a picture but said that with a bit of imagination and under certain lighting conditions (dim!); I’ve been told I resemble Julia Roberts. I never heard back from him; looks like he didn’t like my sense of humor….

Evidently, if you look like a troll, there is no way anyone will be bowled over by just your scintillating personality.

Sigh, apparently love just like beauty is indeed only skin deep.
 

Six degrees of separation

The next time Desi Brigit Jones meets a married man who is making the moves on her, with the disclaimer that he’s separated, she’ll ask him: “What degree”.

 Yes indeed, there are 6 degrees of separation depending on the age group the man is in. In my experience, usually the so called separation is only in the man’s head.  The poor wife in question hasn’t a clue that she is now officially ‘separated’ as he’s never discussed this with her. Probably the telepathic signals announcing the separation didn’t quite cross intergalactic space from Mars to Venus.

Separated can mean physically separated; note – this just means the man is in a different city or country doing a job while the wife and kids are at home waiting for him. He calls them up every evening and yes while he is ‘technically separated’, don’t be fooled if you’re looking for a long term relationship. He’ll soon be separated from you once he switches jobs to another city.  

“But he loves me!”  You may exclaim. Sure, but still run away; for the Jerry Maguire “You complete me” phrase doesn’t refer to you – but his family across the miles.

Separation can be emotional or mental which usually happens in long term relationships when the couple get bored of each other and start taking each other for granted. This is a phenomenon known as the ‘7 year itch’ but given the way everything is changing so fast, what with Facebook, twitter and the internet, this has now been modified to the ‘7 month itch’ that happens every 7 months ( with a different person).

This is when the man or woman will have a dalliance to spice up their lives. Invariably such an affair, from my friend’s experience, also spices up the hitherto bland marriage. So keep in mind that you’ll be nothing more than a spicy ‘pickle’ that will spice up the sour marriage of curd rice in this separated man’s life.  

The above stages of separation usually happen in the 30’s and 40’s.  The apparently ‘unhappy’ man will claim he is separated but cannot leave his wife because of the kids and will weep copious crocodile tears. Do not let those tears melt your delicate heart – just make sure you’re fully stocked with ample boxes of Kleenex that you can hand to him, before you make your dash away.

By the 50’s the man has now reconciled to his fate and the couple will both live their separate lives coming together for important events in their kid’s lives. He will claim he is physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually separated but will not want to take legal actions because of the implications on his social standing. So while you may have tea with him, remember to share nothing but your Marie biscuits with this poor old man who is dying for your companionship.  Pat him on his bald pate too if that makes him and you feel better - before you make a dash away. Leave the packet of Marie Biscuits for him.

 A separated man is still technically married as my friend pointed out to me recently – when I broached the topic of the latest ‘separated’ stud that is making the moves on me.   While being a mistress probably has its benefits, I don’t think that’s one pickle I want to get into.  I'd much rather prefer taking a bite of the spicy Andra Style Mango pickle that my friend’s mother personally makes for me! :)

Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder

I have been vindicated! And by that too by none less than the New York Times!
Desi Brigit Jones would always tell her friends that when she got married, she’d like to still keep her own apartment while he lived in his own apartment – maybe on a separate floor or nearby. To which of course, everyone twittered like I was mad. Well, evidently many people are doing just that according to this article, "Living apart together", and are the better off for it.

I think it makes a lot of sense; I’ve lived bulk of my adult life alone and I enjoy my space. I currently stay in a 1600 square feet, 3 bedroom apartment and fill up every little bit of space. To have another person stay with me would make things a little cramped. Besides, it’s nice to come back after a long day’s work and not have to make conversation with another human being; I’d rather lounge on my couch with a glass of wine and watch ‘Gray’s anatomy’ or ‘Sex in the City’ to unwind.  Can you imagine me doing that with a man around? First of all, an Indian man would probably be glued to the TV watching Cricket – which means either we compromise or we get another TV or better still he gets another apartment so that I get some peace and quiet when the country comes to a standstill when an important cricket match is being played (and they’re all important!). 

On an aside, that’s the nice thing about sports especially in a country like India that is divided so much by language, religion and caste. When it comes to cricket, everyone forgets those divisions and rallies around the nation. Two years ago, when the world cup was being played with India in the finals, I remember taking a cab ride in Calcutta and listening in amusement as the Hindu cab driver and my reserved cultured Catholic uncle animatedly discussed India’s last game. And in the evening, the entire streets were filled with revelers from all walks of life coming together to celebrate India’s victory. Even a non-cricket buff like me was moved and caught up with their enthusiasm.  

But back to the topic – absence indeed does make the heart grow fonder. You can lie in your double bed and pine for your partner and then decide to go down the street to warm his bed – something you’d definitely not do with him snoring beside you (in which case you’d probably slam a pillow on his head to drown out the noise).

Khalil Gibran in his famous poem about marriage said

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”

I guess for some of us the winds of the heavens need to be able to dance between two separate living spaces so that we ‘quiver with the same music’ when we do meet. 

Advertise!

So there is no way I’m going to be nominated or even win that blogadda blogging contest that’s on for the best Indian blog in various genres unless I market this blog a little bit more.

As I’m learning in the corporate world, ‘perception’ is everything. My good catholic dad always taught me to keep my head down and work hard saying that the rewards would automatically follow. I realize, he’s probably right – except that the rewards will come my way only in heaven!

Yes, if you want the rewards on earth, you got to promote yourself now.  Like Ted Turner once said: “Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise”.  

The social media is a game changer in every way; no longer does seniority make you a more valuable person to the company; a younger individual who is more technically online media savvy is seen as way more valuable.  And social media has got its tentacles into everything including dating! Yes, apparently 1 in 5 relationships start online. 

Well, one lady who can help you with your online dating profile and dating strategy is Lauren Frances; I stumbled onto her during one of the usual marathon online seminars that I’ve signed up for. I’ve listened to so many seminars and talks on dating and love that I can probably give one myself! The only catch is that my love doesn’t seem to be coming anyway near me. Evidently, whatever I hear during these talks is going in through one ear and coming out through the other ear.

So Desi Brigit Jones needs to seriously relook her online dating strategy.  I’m continually meeting nice guys with whom I can be friends with but with whom there is no romantic ‘spark’. In fact the last online beau actually wanted me to be available online on messenger on my phone so that he could ask me real-time for tips on how to impress his date!  Needless to say, he’s off my list of potential mates. 

Sigh... it’s time to advertise myself better in dating and in life.  

Brigit: Now how on earth does a technically ignorant person like me start marketing this blog on social media?  Well, while I can’t advertise, I can pray: “Dear God please let everyone who stops by click on the ‘Vote for me on ‘blogadda’ link on the left hand side of this blog”

God: Amen!