Desi Bridget Jones Diary

Love, Life, Relationships and a touch of the Divine!

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Men and Butterflies


Never ever sit at the back of a bike driven by a guy in his 30’s; the reason – testosterone. Desi Brigit Jones learnt this the hard way. So a young male friend had agreed to drop me home from a friends place and since it was getting late, I agreed.  Picture this – we’re weaving our way through heavy traffic in Bangalore with me holding onto the back seat for dear life while the young stud goes full speed on his Yamaha. 

Being a staid catholic, I consciously refrained from clasping my hands around his 6 pack abs. Ahem! The young stud is a physical trainer so I’m not exaggerating about the taut abdomens.  Unfortunately, he’s also a good friend else there might have been some sparks flying – Desi Brigit Jones likes men who take care of themselves.  :)

Anyway, as we’re hurtling through the mayhem that is Bangalore at night, imagine my horror as the young stud turns his head 180 degrees to look back exclaiming,  “ Did you see that?!”

“No!” I yelled back, “Can you please keep your eyes on the road”

Meanwhile, he keeps turning back, “Wow, did you see that – the girl in hot pink pants?!”

I grit my teeth and pray that the ‘distraction’ goes out of sight quickly enough so that we get through the messy traffic lanes without any untoward incident.

Well, apparently the young stud can’t help being distracted by women. According to Dr. Brizendine, there is a scientific reason for this. Men are wired to look at any attractive woman who passes by the way one would look at pretty butterflies.

Evidently it has something to do with their high testosterone levels. If testosterone were beer, a 9 year old would be drinking a cup a day while a 15 year old would be drinking the equivalent of nearly 2 gallons a day. So this fuels men’s sexual engines and makes it impossible for them to stop thinking of the female anatomy and sex in general! The write-up concludes with a somber piece of advice: let men be men.

Hmm… so the next time the men at office are caught staring at your boobs, a phenomenon otherwise known  as the ‘Man Trance’, you don’t sue them for sexual harassment, you remember butterflies and make a note to get a fly swatter to work the next day - to swat them out of their trance. :)

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Brigit’s commandments


Thou shalt not pine for A

Thou shalt not pine for J

Thou shalt not pine for Mr. E

Thou shalt not pine for P

Thou shalt not pine for V

……….Ad nauseum

God: we have a bit of a problem here huh?

Brigit: Yup! You’re sending me the wrong guys

God: Nope – I meant you need to get out and get a life

Brigit: Get a life with someone; ‘The one’? :)

God: Sigh… It’s tough enough being the almighty, without having to deal with impertinence….

Brigit: So when are you sending him my way God?

God: When you’re ready

 Brigit: I’ve been ready for a long time now.

God: And that is why you’ve got all the people you’ve met. They all came to you at the level you’re at. Didn’t you think P was the ultimate and your soul mate? Same goes for Mr E?

Brigit: ok, let me put it this way – I want someone who will stay my soul mate, not someone who either loses interest in me or who turns out to be an asshole. When is that happening?

God: In due course, when you’re ready for that kind of love

Brigit: Just make sure you send him my way before I’m 60 ok? 

God: Well, look at it this way, so what if you meet him at 60 – at least you can still hold hands! J

Brigit: Divine humour! Hrmmp!

Monday, July 29, 2013

I, Me, Myself


One of the most interesting talks I listed to of late has been Ester Perel’s TED talk on “Desire in a long term relationship”.  Ester Perel is an award winning therapist, author and speaker whose book “Mating in Captivity” is an international best seller.  What I found most fascinating in her TED talk was the notion of how desire begins with the self.

As she says someone can do whatever he or she wants on the outside to stoke desire in you but if there is no one at the reception desk, it’s all in vain.  Too often the questions being asked are ‘do you turn me on, what turns me on with the “I” going out of the picture. 

Rather the key question to ask is: “When do I shut off my desires? I turn myself off when I feel dead inside, when I feel old, when I haven’t had time for myself, when I don’t perform well at work, when I have a sense of low self-esteem”

Desire for the other can be extended to a desire for life; for everything is energy, Eros!  What makes you want to get up in the morning? What makes you turn alive? It’s no surprise that the most attractive people are the ones who are most passionate about something in their lives.

As Perel says, desire is fueled by the ability to stay connected to oneself in the presence of another. It is an act of selfishness in the best sense.

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Brigit: So I guess this means I need to focus on me and my life instead of finding Prince Charming

God: Looks like it

Brigit: Just as well that I’ve signed off from that dating site

God: It also means signing off in your head; i.e. not continually thinking and pining for Mr. E, P or V. Can we chuck the whole romantic alphabet out?

Brigit: I’ll try; always preferred numbers anywayJ.   So in how many days, weeks or months will I meet ‘the one’?!

God: Sigh…!

Brigit: I really like this line of work; can you imagine doing a PHD on love and desire?! How interesting would that be?

God: Now that’s more like it. Btw - I think you’d be ace at it!  J

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The art of love and war


Given that Desi Brigit Jones isn’t having any luck practicing the ‘art of love’, aka the Kamasutra, she’s decided to switch to the ‘art of war’ aka Kalaripayattu! If nothing else at least Kalaripayattu will improve my flexibility that should someday help in the practice of the Kamasutra.  Ahem!


Kalari as it is commonly known, originating from Kerala (God’s own country) is meant to be the mother of all eastern martial arts, including Karate.  Traditionally Kalari is practiced in a pit dug in the ground (to keep the temperature down); my class is, however, on the first floor of a building that has wooden flooring and brick walls. Twice a week, at 6:30am, I walk past pavements filled with vendors sorting out the day’s newspapers. I see dogs performing their ‘morning ablutions’ as we say in India and at times leaving their gifts for one to gingerly step around. However, all the muck and squalor of the neighborhood disappears once I step into the Kalari class where for the next 90 minutes, there is nothing else to think about but mastering the body and mind.


We start with a 15 minute warm up exercise which includes stretches and some kicks and jumps. The first day I collapsed after the warm up which gives an idea of how strenuous the class is and how unfit I was.  From there one moves to the ‘leg exercises’ which include a range of leg movements across the length of the room, all done with the arms stretched above the head.  From sitting down in exhaustion after one length I now have graduated to doing the routine 4 lengths per exercise before I sit down and catch my breath.  The leg exercises are meant to improve balance and flexibility and form the basis for many of the ‘fighting’ moves that one learns later on.


We then graduate to the 8 basic ‘animal’ poses for who best to learn fighting from but the animals in the kingdom! I’ve so far learnt the ‘wild boar’, ‘elephant’, ‘cat’ and ‘lion’. These are various poses mainly held in a squatting position and symbolize a key element of the animal e.g.: the horn of the ‘wild boar’, the claws and languid pose of the ‘cat’.  We’re meant to hold each pose sequentially for 30seconds. Try doing squats for 2 minutes and you’ll figure out why the only way I can hold my current 4 poses in class, despite every muscle in my leg screaming in pain, is sheer will power. Yes, performing the martial arts, like all of life is more than the body – it’s ultimately a mind game that determines whether you fight or fall and whether more importantly, you rise after you fall.


The key element in any martial arts is focus - being totally ‘present’ and fully in the ‘now’. Kind of like the ‘art of love’, being totally in the now with the beloved, not worrying about what ‘may happen’ or ‘where this is going’.  


To be fully conscious of every breath, every movement such that whatever ensues then becomes living poetry – now that is the ultimate art of love or war.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Prayer for the week


Dear God,

Can you please send me a guy who has hair on his head, apart from the long list I already sent you last Christmas via Santa Claus, where I’d written all the inner qualities I like in a man.

See, here’s the problem, when his ‘inner beauty’ doesn’t quite match up to what I’d like to see, his lack of ‘outer beauty’ becomes even starker! E.g.: I never noticed A’s big paunch or how he had a double chin and looked like a grandfather toad until the day he pulled the plug on me and unceremoniously dumped all my stuff in my garage. Till then, I’d ignored the fact that he was a good 4” shorter than me, was fat and balding and his idea of fitness was moving the TV remote control from the left hand to the right hand. Nope, I was in ‘love’ with him and his ‘inner beauty’.

Inner beauty, my foot! At the risk of sound shallow, I say I’d like a tall guy, with hair on his head, a crinkly smile and twinkling eyes. Sounds like George Clooney, doesn’t it?!  Well that’s why this is a prayer to the almighty!

Amen!
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God: What you’d like is a good looking man, what you NEED is a kind hearted man

Brigit: Yes, I know – but I’d like to have my cake and eat it too!

Monday, July 22, 2013

To see or not to see


Over the weekend, I was invited to a friend’s house for dinner and drinks where a few other couples were invited too. So I drove over all nicely spruced up in my swanky dress wearing my new spectacles instead of the usual contact lenses. While I’d done this merely because my lenses were hurting my eyes, I realized in hindsight that it was probably a wise move. It has been so long since I went out with couples that I’d forgotten the subtle poisonous looks that some married women can give single women whom they view as ‘competition’. I’m told it has to do something with evolution; all this monkey business had to catch up with us someday!

This is something I learned in my 30’s; if you’re a single and attractive woman; the women in the room would rather not have you anywhere near their husbands. Why anyone would even think that I would want to go near their fat, balding, paunchy, boring husbands is beyond me! If only they knew that the staid Desi Brigit Jones has St Peter lodged in her Catholic brain wagging his podgy fingers saying ‘No, No’ to anything even remotely improper.

It has been so long since I’ve hit the social circuit with married couples that I’d forgotten this little unspoken rule. Anyway, I was thankful that I’d worn my soda glasses to tone down the vision of an athletic, svelte body sheathed in a lovely dress (Ok St Peter, I know it is a sin to brag…), and sure enough I hit it off with the women. Nothing breeds success more than looking like a nerd!

Note to self: always wear thick spectacles when going out with couples, especially when you look much younger and prettier than them. Throw the spectacles away if there is a single, eligible bachelor around; just make sure you don’t step on his toes while blindly groping your way through the room. And should you, God forbid, step on his toes, try and get your balance as delicately as possible while leaning on his broad shoulders. Needless to say, make sure you’re leaning on the right man...

Why didn’t anyone tell me this in my 30’s?! Sigh…. The wisdom that comes with age…

Friday, July 19, 2013

The last dance



Many moons ago, you and I


We danced on this very same page


But each to a different tune

I stepped on your toes

And never heard back from you

So this time, I’ll stay away

For you might step on my toes

And then I’ll hurt even more

To send or not to send


Ah well, does one take a chance and reach out to another human being when one just might be snubbed? Or should you just bide your time and not think too much.

To think or not to think

To write or not to write

To send or not to send

That is the dilemma!

O dear Queen Latifah!   What kind of queen art thou if you have no courage to speak your truth – even if it is to a stranger.

So Desi Brigit Jones decided to be her usual perky insolent self and shot out an email to one particular online beau that she fancied…..

What happened?  Nothing! There was not a squeak out of Mr. E which in a way was a good thing for now Brigit could get him out of her mind.  After all, surely it doesn’t take too much for him to be kind to a stranger? Yes, indeed kindness was a trait she realised she valued far more than the hitherto all important trait of intelligence. Every person comes into one's life for a reason; to teach us something or for us to teach them something. Maybe the importance of 'being kind' was the lesson to be learnt in this particular interaction.  Never ever would Brigit ignore or snub another online beau again.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

The chemistry of Love


I stumbled onto anthropologist Dr. Helen Fishers’ TED talk today on “Why we love, why we cheat” and I just loved her, not to mention her job. I’d rather be paid to ask people ‘Why do you want to go out with A and not B?’ instead of my current job of asking ‘Do we give 100K$ to project C or project D?”  Hmm… what a fun job – you get to write about love and also give ‘gyaan’ (BS in global terms). That’s just right up my alley!

Helen Fisher also talks about the ‘Biology of the mind’ and is the best-selling author of “Why we love”.  Apparently it is all biological; kind of takes the romance out of love to reduce it to mere dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin. All these chemicals sound so much like chemistry, which is also another term for the sparks that fly when you meet someone special. Romantic passion, according to Helen Fisher, is hardwired into our DNA – it’s not an emotion but a drive as powerful as hunger.

Apparently there are three types of love: Lust, romantic attraction and attachment. All these states are associated with various neurochemicals in the brain. Romantic attraction is associated with high dopamine and low serotonin creating obsession, yearning and a longing for love; nature’s way of ensuring you actually pine for the pimply, dork down the road. Lust is associated with testosterone; nature’s way of ensuring you actually mate and reproduce with the pimply dork. Attachment is associated with oxytocin creating the calmness and emotional connection with a long term partner; nature’s way of ensuring you stay long enough with the dork to marry and raise his kids! Yup – we’ve all been suckered by nature!

Well, Desi Brigit Jones’ dopamine levels seem to be abnormally high. I seem to be in a perpetual state of romantic yearning; the names just keep changing from Mr. E to P to V.  With my track record, I shall probably fall in love with the whole alphabet by the end of the year! Letters stumbling into words, sentences meandering into paragraphs, paragraphs morphing into chapters… I think that’s a pretty good start for a wannabe writer J

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Dancing



I think every interaction is like a dance; you meet someone somewhere and then music starts and before you know it there’s a little dance happening between the both of you. Sometimes though, after some time, you realise that you’re both dancing to a different tune. Maybe he’s hearing the music for a slow waltz and you’re doing the fox trot and then unwittingly you end up stepping on his toes.  That doesn’t make either of you bad – just not right for each other. Thank you for the dance, Mr E.


Though I must say I’m a little tired of either stepping on someone else toes or having my toes stepped onto. Where is the one who will hear the music I’m hearing? Or maybe I just need to learn to let someone else lead the dance; I’m so much the tough corporate lady in the office, it’s very difficult to shed that role in my personal life. I’m hanging up my dancing shoes for now.  
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God: This too will pass


Brigit: I know but it still hurts now


God: Big divine hug for you.  BTW, that insight on letting someone else lead is a gem.


Brigit: Yeah, I read something about it; how as women we need to step into our feminine energy in a relationship. I have enough problems trying to remember to wear jewellery, how on earth do I be more feminine?!


God: Well, it’s more than the ‘external’ appearances. The feminine energy is a receptive energy but is in no ways weak.  You have it in you; we all do.


Brigit: Right now, I’m not in the mood for any profound conversations.  Prince Charming better climb into my castle and find me – before I turn into an old witch and zap him for eternity. Hrmmp!
God: Be gentle with yourself. Remember – I am with you always
 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Men and Dogs


Men are like dogs. Ok before you lambast me for that statement, let me clarify - I’m not a feminist out on a male bashing trip; I can think of more interesting things to do with the male of the species! J

The other day I’d gone for dinner to a friend’s place and was greeted at the door by a big brown boxer named Fred. Fred had the most gorgeous eyes and his body quivered in excitement at seeing a stranger. Being an absolute dog lover, I cuddled him and petted him whilst going in to meet everyone else.  During the course of the evening, Fred made himself comfortable amongst the adults; pushing his ball around and getting under the sofa where I sat. Every time he came near me, I’d pet his bald head and scratch him behind the ears but I soon realized he had eyes for no one but Payal. Payal on the other hand couldn’t stand dogs; she pointedly told him to go away and ignored him.  That only made Fred even more determined to get her attention. He focused his doleful eyes on her whilst trying to wag his little stub of a tail. Never mind, that I was sitting nearby holding out my hands to him. “No thank you miss – I want Payal!” was the snooty canine response.  Payal meanwhile threw her hands up in exasperation – “What is it with this dog? Why won’t he leave me alone?”

“He’s a guy – that’s why”, I replied dryly. If anyone should know – its Desi Brigit Jones. The more you ignore a man (or dog in this case), the more attractive you become. The ‘playing hard to get’ game actually works.  This explains why Mr. E, after initially filling my inbox with long emails asking me to correspond, will now not even reply back to my last two soulful emails. This is also the reason why the young stud who used to ardently woo me over IM now cursorily answers my eager questions with “hmm”, “ok”, “yes”, “no”. 

And that is why I will NOT bother with these men anymore.  I think I’ll go to the pound and get myself a dog instead. Woof!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Sex in the City - Bengaluru!


I’d always thought the three ‘F’s” when I turned forty would be “Forty, fit and fabulous”. Instead there are days when I feel “Forty, fat and f^&$$% up”. No one warns you about how the years slowly creep up on you. Of how the dreams that you once thought would somehow magically happen, never quite turn out the way you dreamt they would.

So here I am in my forties, single, boyfriend- less, child-less and a whole lot of other “less’” in my head. But the one thing that has stood the test of time has been my wonderful friendship with the girls. In fact recent studies have highlighted the importance of women's freindships.  We’ve known each other for over a decade and though our lives have taken different paths, we’ve always remained connected in spirit even if not always in person.

There is Shanthi, the artist and evolved spiritual thinker of the group. She must have been Jung’s disciple in her past lifetime with her on-going quest to plummet the depths of the human psyche. The classy and quirky one is how I’d describe her.

Then there is Ananya, the glamorous doll of the lot who has men flocking to her like bees to a casket of honey. She is the lady who can use and switch men like underwear; though her taste in lingerie is impeccable I must add.

And then of course there is me, Brigit, the confused wannabe writer who is constantly searching for herself and progressively finding parts of her missing with age – the eyesight, the hair etc.

The likeness of the ‘three musketeers’ to the characters in the popular sitcom Sex and the City is purely accidental. I think I’m a combination of the tough corporate lawyer (Miranda) and the writer (Carrie).  Despite cultural and differences and geographical distances, I think single women around the world are pretty much the same.
Hello world – are you ready for a ‘Sex in the city” set in “Nemma Bengaluru”?!

Legendary Love


I can’t quite get this picture out of my mind. I’m sitting at the tram station, Sultanahmet in Persia, waiting for the last tram to go back to the hotel. It has been an evening of whirling Dervishes and belly dancing and I’m feeling so lucky as I sit on my bench and watch the moonlight play over the turrets of the Blue Mosque that stand tall beyond the trees.

And then I see them; a middle aged couple. She’s wearing the standard Muslim long gown and her hair is covered in a headscarf. Her back is towards me and I can see that she is short and a little on the plumb side. She is talking to a man who is facing me. He’s a middle aged man with a paunch and his blue shirt is half tucked in and he’s leaning on one leg as he talks to the lady. I note that he’s fat and unfit and has stubble on his face.

There was a certain comfort in the way they stood and chatted, totally oblivious to anyone who was watching them, as though they were lost in their own little world. There was genuine affection and I could see them laughing and chuckling away, holding hands in-between. She says something to him and he laughs and reaches out to touch her cheek and then this dowdy old couple just transform.  Here was no haggard, middle aged man but a dashing prince looking at his beloved princess. And she was no fat lady, but a queen being courted by her king. I couldn’t take my eyes off them and watched them till my tram arrived. I wanted to take a picture of them – but it felt like an intrusion on something so beautiful and personal.

 Ah, these are the moments that make me believe in legendary love.

Cougar Lady!


The whole past week has been spent moping about this new online beau who is much younger than me. So I went online to see what the ‘experts’ had to say about this phenomenon. Well, Even Mark Katz warns you that a young guy is likely only to want a romp in the sack. And then I read article after article where he warned one that given differing priorities in life, a long term relationship with a younger man (with such a huge age difference) might not work.

And then I stumbled onto Susan Winter’s website which gave me hope – that it was possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone much younger. I especially liked what she said about how a young guy was perfectly matched with a much older woman simply because he was young and curious and she was with age much more relaxed about her body and her sexuality.  I liked what she said about how a younger guy would challenge you in ways that you’d never imagined simply because he had so much less dating experience and therefore was more honest in his approach. And how you needed to be equally honest too – I rather like that thought and I must say it kind of resonates with my experience with this young stud.

Ah well, but then I know myself; Desi Brigit Jones has a weakness for intelligent, witty men who write well and has learned the hard way that just because you vibe well with someone over text and the written word, that doesn’t mean you’ll gel in person.

But still I’m curious. Next time the young stud asks me out, I might just say yes – and go for the date, with half a dozen lollipops for the both of us! J

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

The Best!

A man's best friend is a Dog
A woman's best friend is a Vibrator

Though I must say, Desi Brigit Jones would rather prefer a nice warm hug!

Sunday, July 07, 2013

The young stud


There is something about saying ‘No’ to a younger man that is like waving a red flag at a bull. The young stud huffs and puffs away in fury and keeps on storming at you to go out with him.  

But what really does you in are those eyes; limpid pools beseeching you above those snorting nostrils.  So you go out with him.

And then reality strikes; he is a kid after all - going out with Mummy. So Mummy needs to pay for the drink or dinner - after the first date mind you.  All young men are studs till the first date and then they regress to simpering boys wanting you to buy them a lollipop.

Desi Brigit Jones, being a staidly brought up Catholic, of course didn’t know the unwritten code of dating: ‘Can I come up for coffee’ has nothing to do with coffee. Anyway, the young stud came up for coffee. In all truthfulness, Brigit felt the sparks and didn’t mind a kiss. What she didn’t bargain for was how far back the young kid would regress – right down to wanting to latch onto mummy’s boobs!

Anyway, one Mexican coffee later, she managed to shoo him out of the apartment after peeling off his chubby fingers from her back  ‘What soft skin’ he croons while trying to get his hands into her jeans over her butt; what is it about men and butts anyway?

After that disaster, Desi Brigit Jones decided, the only place she’d ever see a young man again would be in the kindergarten school down the road. She’d take along her Mexican coffee, buy some lollipops and cuddle the cute little brats on her lap.

Yes, these were the young men she could handle.